Recently I picked up a new antiseptic mouthwash, based on a recommendation from my dentist. The other night my wife glanced at the new bottle on our counter and made a comment about the flavor: Gentle Mint.
“Gentle, huh? Don’t want your mint to be too rough?”
So here, inspired by my wife’s snarkiness are two hypothetical conversations.
Number One: a hypothetical text conversation between husband and wife:
HUSBAND: Hey, honey, are you at the store?
HUSBAND: Can you pick up my mouthwash?
HUSBAND: Remember, don’t get the Rough Mint. It’s way too rough for my delicate gums!
HUSBAND: And also not regular plain old Mint. Even though it’s plain and regular. It’s still just a tad on the rough side, mint wise.
WIFE: Got it. Gentle Mint. I know. Chasing our 1 year old
HUSBAND: But remember last time you get Gently Gentle Mint. It was actually a little too gentle for me. I like the mint to be gentle, but not so gentle that I can’t feel the gentleness. Thanks. Luv u
WIFE: I might kill you
Number Two: Board Meeting of Antiseptic Mouthwash Company
Director: So it’s decided, we’ll push both Regular and the Mint flavors. Agreed.
(Almost) Everyone at long table: Agreed. ((Almost) all heads nod.)
Director: All right, well let’s have a great quarter. Unless there’s anything else, I’ll call this meeting to adjournment. (Pause.) This meeting is aaaaaddj—
Guy in seventh seat on the right: Actually, sir, I— I have something.
Director: All right, spit it out. Oh shit a pun. Well let’s here it.
Guy in seventh seat on the right: See, sir, I was thinking about the mint flavor. And I love mint. Believe me. I chew mint gum, mint chocolate chip is my favorite ice cream, I drink mint juleps— in moderation of course. I even have a mint air freshener in my car.
Director: What in tarnation are you babbling about son?
Guy in seventh seat on the right: Well, sir, it’s because recently I bought some mint toothpaste from our competitor, you know, just, uh, (coughs nervously) to see what we’re up against, and the mint, well, see, sir, it was um,
Director: We haven’t got all day!
Guy in seventh seat on the right: Rough. The mint was rough. It was way too rough. I had flashbacks from my brother, as a kid, see he was a real rough-houser, he always played too rough! Mom would shout, “Barry, you’re playing too rough!” But would he stop? No. He just played rougher. I still have scars from the titty twisters.
Director: I’m sorry to hear that. My older brother was too rough with me quite often.
Guy in seventh seat on the right: See what I mean! Well, our competitor’s toothpaste, the mint is like that: too rough. But our new mouthwash, it’s not. It’s just right, like the distance from the Earth to the Sun and Goldilocks’s porridge. It’s not too strong and not too weak. It’s perfect. The mintiness.
Director: I’m glad that you feel that way. And thank you for speaking out.
Guy in seventh seat on the right: Well, sir, I was thinking…
Director: Yes, I’m listening.
Guy in seventh seat on the right: What if we added the word “Gentle” to the bottle? So consumers know that the mint is not too strong.
Director: Genius! What did you say your name was? Doesn’t matter, you’re getting a promotion!