Talking Oompa Loompa Genetics with Jimmy on the way to the bar

“Did you see my text?” Jimmy asked.

“The tweet about the Tarik Cohen play? Yes. Hilarious.”

“Can you believe they named a play Oompa Loompa? Can you imagine? All right guys, we’re gonna have a play were we pitch it to Tarik and then he’s going to throw it. We’ll call it Oompa Loompa.”

“It’s funny.”

“Then in the huddle. Oompa Loompa on two. Break!”

“Very amusing. I wonder, though, isn’t it just a little offensive?”

“To whom? Short people? Green-haired white overall wearing chocolate factory workers?”

“I just thought it might seem a little derogatory,” I said.

“No, you’re right. It is offensive. If you’re a midget with green hair working in a chocolate factory. It’s deeply offensive.”

“Or what if you had like just a little Oompa Loompa DNA. I just got my 23andme results. It turns out I’m a sixth Oompa Loompa.”

“You could write the NFL a letter: ‘Dear Chicago Bears and NFL executives, please see the attached 23andme results. As you can see, I am a sixth Oompa Loompa. I find the Bears recently naming a trick play Oompa Loompa to be deeply offensive. I believe this kind of flippancy towards the Oompa Loompa people contributes to the negative image that the NFL is broadcasting to our society at large. Please take necessary measures to remediate.'”

“They would have to make a statement.”

“Oompa Loompa DNA. That’s good.”


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