* If you are sleep deprived and have recently spent a lot of time with children under the age of 10.
“Which one is your favorite Daddy?” Mia asked.
She showed me five animals that she had drawn from her new trace-your-hand-into-an-animal book. There was a cat, fish, dog, raccoon, and snail.
“I like the raccoon,” I said.
Megan laughed because of the way I had pronounced raccoon. I said it, “ruh-COON.”
“Is that really how you say RAH-coon?” my wife asked.
“No. I don’t why I said it like that. I’ve never said it like that before in my life. I have no idea where that came from. But her ruh-COON is definitely my favorite.”
“You’re a doh-doh.”
The next morning, I was pointing out (NOT complaining) that I also had a seat in the lack- of-sleep boat.
“You didn’t wake up with Delaney at 1:30,” Megan said.
“True, but I was definitely awake at 3 when you brought her into our bed.”
Megan’s entire being, without saying a word, said, “You poor thing.” Her eyebrows were the loudest. By far.
“Delaney kicks me,” I said. “She slaps me in the face. Last night I took a head-butt to the nose.”
Not a single cell belonging to my wife shifted position. Not one cell. If anything, the trillions became more rigid.
I continued. There was a lot at stake: an entire Sunday of unscheduled parenting time lay ahead of us. If I could get just one hair of her recently waxed eyebrows to loosen in sympathy…just one…it could make all the difference. Desperate, I stammered, “When you bring her into our bed she is like a wild ruh-COON!”
At least I made her laugh.
Blogger’s Note: If you did not find the above post funny, please spend at least 14 hours with children under the age of 10, sleep less than five hours, and read again. Repeat until this post is hilarious.