To the parents of Darby S.

Dear parents of Darby S.,

Greetings. My name is Mr. Asthenosphere and I am your daughter’s science teacher. She comes to my class once a week for hands-on science lessons. It is my great honor and privilege to play a role in developing Darby’s scientific mind!

I am contacting you regarding my concerns for her progress in my class. It started week one, when she first asked to go to the bathroom and didn’t return for twenty minutes. I let it go, but she repeated this act the next two weeks so I asked her to please use the restroom during snack time, which is right before her science class.

The following week she forgot her water bottle in P.E. And the next week. She was very upset as— in addition to her dire thirst— apparently this water bottle from Mammoth Ski Resort has deep sentimental value for her. Despite having a water fountain in my classroom sink, and the probability that Mr. Hurdle, her P.E. teacher, would most certainly hold onto it for her, she insisted and I relented.

The next week, week six, she complained of a stomach ache. The week after that, her ankle hurt. She was quite adamant regarding the throbbing, which I guess is ironic because I had a throbbing headache at the time. In week eight, her ear was bleeding, the small pierced hole in her lobe smeared with red (though later I found a ketchup packet under Darby’s seat).

I have asked Darby if she doesn’t like science or has a problem regarding the class or me, but she says “everything is cool.” I am concerned because she has missed the entire unit entitled “Energy In Ecosystems.”

Last week, we began “The Physical and Chemical Changes In Matter.” And, unfortunately Darby missed the entire introduction searching for her sweatshirt from Vail Ski Resort.

So I thought I would contact you because of this tremendous scientific learning opportunity for Darby. Since we are learning that matter cannot be created nor destroyed, it hit me that, if you were to drop off Darby’s sweatshirt on Thursday mornings, I could hide it in the school and thus begin to play a role in developing her scientific understanding. In fact, if there are other sweatshirts from pricey vacation destinations at home, please bring them by the science lab. While Darby is aimlessly wandering the halls until lunch, I could use these overpriced materials for various demonstrations (like melting points and the pH of hydrochloric acid). In this way, when Darby accidentally stumbles upon her burned or melted sweatshirts, she will realize this important scientific concept that will further her development as a young scientist.

Regards,

Mr. Lithosphere

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