12 Things To Say To Dampen The Mood In The Delivery Room

  1. Congratulations on your new baby! Also congratulations on never sleeping in again! Even on Saturdays. Especially on Saturdays. Even when your birthday is on Saturday. Especially when your birthday is on Saturday.
  1. I’m so happy for you! But no so happy for the millions of perfectly healthy adoptable children in third world countries that you’ve forsaken.
  1. Wow. The first breath of Life. It’s a miracle. Really special. But what about the rest of the breaths from here on out? I just looked it up and the average person that lives to 80 will breathe 672,768,000 breaths in a lifetime. That’s millions and millions of them that will use up precious oxygen and spew yet even more carbon dioxide into the existential threat that is our warming atmosphere. Still think your newborn’s breathing is a special miracle? Yeah, not so much. Congratulations on making another suckhole. But I’m glad you’re happy. Your happiness. That’s what’s important.
  1. Those first few moments with your newborn are so precious. You know what won’t be precious from now on? Vacations. Terrible. The worst. Airplanes. Hotel rooms. Restaurants. It’s a nightmare. All that manufactured fun when you’re just tired and pissed off. It’s the pits. We just went to Hawaii. Sure, it was nice. What wasn’t so nice was lugging carseats through the airport or getting kids and strollers through security, I mean have you even given a thought to what that process is like? Just getting there was exhausting. And let me throw in a little visual: an educational tour of a plantation when it’s super hot and all the snacks are gone and the complaining is like an ice pick in your eardrum. Do you think anyone gives a rat’s ass, at this point, about how to cut open a coconut? 
  1. Peek-a-boo is a great game to play with your new baby. You know a great game to play with your partner? Spread a bunch of rakes around the living room and take turns running around and getting smacked in the face.
  1. Here is a sweet song you can sing: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage. After that it’s an endless stream of bickering with your spouse about myriad subject matter ranging from dishes to diapers to who’s turn it is to rock the baby to sleep at 3 AM to why book club and girl’s night have to be on back-to-back nights?
  1. Birth is a time to say hello, but also goodbye. For example, now would be a good time to say goodbye to your peace of mind. Here, let’s practice. You try thinking of things you need from the grocery store and I will shout “Mommy” every four seconds.
  1. You know how they say Disneyland is the Happiest Place on Earth? Well, judging by these smiles, I would say right now, it’s this delivery room. But you know what will be the Happiest Place On Earth pretty soon? Your bathroom, where you can lock yourself inside for thirty minutes and watch random Youtube videos as your feet fall asleep.
  1. Your baby is an absolute dream. Speaking of dreams, I hope you’ve already achieved yours. Because otherwise we’re talking about a real uphill climb. And by hill I mean like Everest or El Capitan or both of them combined into El Neverest Capitan. Like it’s not going to happen. Like that bloody umbilical cord might be symbolical right about now.
  1.  Isn’t life a miracle? So is paying for college. If I were you, I would get out of this hospital ASAP and start saving. I’m not kidding. Even little things like that apple juice and crackers on your tray. It all adds up and it’s gonna cost you a fortune. An arm and a leg. A fortune of golden arms and silver legs. A lot.
  1. It’s so sweet how you just gazed into your baby’s eyes and said, “I love you with all of my heart and I always will.” In about four years you’re going to gaze backwards, with yogurt and snot all over your yoga pants, while making a cheese sandwich without the crust and shout towards the bathroom “Do your very best job to get all of the poopy out!”
  1. That was some delivery. When do you think you’ll have sex again? I mean, it’s going to be like months, maybe years….

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