A Parenting IQ Test

The Faucet gets flowing this week with a Parenting IQ test. Questions are based on situations that all parents are likely to face sooner or later in the joyful Odyssey of Wonder that is just trying to get through another day without flipping your lid.

Answers are posted at the bottom— if you turn your device upside down, then they will appear upside down so you can’t cheat. Scores will give parents some needed feedback in their overall Parenting Intelligence Quotient, which then will be forwarded to local school districts, the FBI, CIA, DCFS, and the NHL.

  1. All parents know the value of routine, especially when it comes to things that need to happen every day, like bedtime and bringing Dad his ostrich egg omelet with just a pinch of salt. Often times kids make strange requests, like wanting a cup of water. Also, sometimes kids have a peculiar and obsessive preference, say for the color of their cup. So if your 2 year old kid requests the color of your 8 year old kids’ cup, let’s say it’s pink, do you…

A) on the sly give the 8 year old that likes the pink cup a blue cup and not say anything.

B) preface giving the 8 year old that likes the pink cup a blue cup with a statement of appreciation, in advance, for being flexible and accepting the blue cup.

C) sit down and talk with both kids about the number of children in the world that lack fresh water, never mind it being cold and also in a cup designed by a rocket scientist to prevent spillage, even when it’s turned upside down or knocked over.

D) None of the above. It doesn’t matter. Just give the kids water and duck because someone is about throw a big ol’ hissy.

2. If your 2 year old refuses to brush their teeth night after night do you…

A) Pin your 2 year old down and have your significant other hold the wailing head with a full nelson and force the toothbrush into a screaming mouth and scrape a few times while your toddler gags.

B) Pretend the toothbrush is a dragon/airplane/fairy and make it a fun game!

C) Play hide and seek with the toothbrush ready, so that when your 2 year old finds you behind the curtains you can jump out with surprise oral health!

D) None of the above. It doesn’t matter. Might as well start using frosting as toothpaste and let the child chew yet another toothbrush to oblivion. Besides, those teeth will fall out anyway.

3. If after you’ve put all the kids to bed, come downstairs and cleaned up, including dishes, seven random messes, a car to unload, garbage, etc., then you sit down to do something you’ve been meaning to do all day, like respond to the old friend that emailed you five days ago, and just as you log in but before you can finish typing some phrase that Gmail suggests with autotype, after two letters, making you feel weird and sad and other strong emotions likely related to your extreme fatigue, you hear one of your children call out for you because they are afraid of the dark. Do you…

A) Hug them, kiss them, check the closet for monsters, glance under the bed, sing a lullaby, and lay with them until they fall asleep.

B) Validate their fear of their own room with seventeen nightlights, give them an invisible sword to use in case the Boogie Man shows up, assure them that there is no such thing as a Boogie Man and you meant to say Snoogie Man which is a friendly blanket super hero, a good friend of Mr. Incredible and Frozone, that swoops in for Snoogie time, then hug them, kiss them, check the closet for monsters, glance under the bed, sing a lullaby, and lay with them until they fall asleep. Once they are asleep, research childhood emotional distress, fear of the dark, and how to model courage for your children.

C) March up the stairs, tell them their fear is ridiculous, and that if you hear another peep, so much as a loud yawn, then you will smash their iPads in front of them in the morning with a hammer (even though you know this is a threat that is beyond empty, more like a Black Hole Of A Threat with mysterious gravitational forces of sadness and impotence).

D) None of the above. Either sound proof a room in the house or learn to play “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” on any of the kid toy instruments that randomly plays from a different heap of clutter each day.

Answers: It’s so cute that you think there are solutions to these problems. Snoogie Man is going to come and give you a nuzzle wuzzle!

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