New M.F.A. Rankings Released

The much anticipated updated M.F.A. Rankings are here— not to be confused with other popular M.F.A. rankings (Masters in Fine Arts, Most Fanciest Aardvark, etc.).

I’m referring, of course, to my six year-olds newest Most Favorite Animal rankings, which have taken everyone by surprise. Let’s get to it.

6. The gorilla. Wow how the mighty have fallen. Seems like only yesterday that the gorilla was a clear cut favorite, the first stop at the Wild Animal park, and the most popular cup in the cabinet. Now not even in the top five, there’s no telling how far this beloved animal of early childhood will fall. Nothing lasts forever, not even the love of my young daughter for a muscle bound hairy chested ferocious beast.

5. The cheetah. Another surprise here. The fastest animal on land apparently isn’t that impressive anymore. Eighty miles an hour is just whatev’s. Daddy drives that fast on the highway. Even the cute baby cheetahs at the Wild Animal Park, or the fact that they are friends with a dog, failed to return the spotted cat to top animal status. The cheetah still clings close to the tail of a gorilla, if gorilla’s had one, but now they’re moving in the wrong direction.

4. The reindeer. A total shocker here. No one saw this coming. Not at a lunch conversation on a Thursday in September. I ’bout sprayed leftover Sloppy Joe. Did she watch a Christmas movie recently? Read a Christmas story or book? Was there a conversation about Christmas that I missed. No. No. And no. There’s no explanation. It’s inexplicable. But it’s true just the same. The reindeer cracks the top five a full three months before Christmas, with some analysts predicting a number one ranking in the near future.

3. The jellyfish. Just at a loss here folks. Why? What? Huh? Jellyfish? Did you read about them? No. Wild Kratts? No. What made you think of them? I don’t know. Do you know that they sting and it can be quite painful? I don’t care. They don’t even have brains and you’re picking them over cheetahs and gorillas? Yes. Again, another example of how unpredictable M.F.A. rankings, and life, can be.

2. The panda. Just about the only thing on the current list that isn’t a head-scratcher. The panda remains fixed at the two spot. A fixture, if you will, of cute, cuddly-wuddly, bearness. Fuzzy still counts for something, thank goodness.

1. The fox. Completely out of left field. Where did this come from? A movie? Show? The internet? A video game? And now the fox is rumored to be in the running for a Halloween costume. I just don’t know what the world is coming to.

All I can say is, kids grow up fast. Things like their favorite animals and their faces change so quickly. If you’re not careful, you can blink and before you know it you don’t even recognize your kid’s favorite animals, or face or voice. I don’t know. I’m still so blown away. I mean jellyfish are interesting and all, but really?

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