There Comes a Time: Quick Advice for Men Newly Married to Women

For all you newly wed grooms out there— if there are in fact any weddings still happening during the pandemic— here’s a quick piece of advice.

In the 60’s the Byrds sang that there was a time for all things. It’s not in the song, but this includes a time to lie to your wife.

For there will come a time when you and your wife will have not had a date in a while, or even much alone time, and so finally the date or alone timeish thing you do is go shopping for a new dresser. There comes a time, in every marriage.

And so will come a time, on this shopping trip, when your wife will ask you what you think of a box of wood with drawers. She will look at you with the same lovely eyes that you peered deep into and said, “I do,” and she will say, “What do you think of this dresser?”

She will be thinking about color schemes, contrast, wall size, overall room decor, drawer surface area, and many other interior decoraterish things. You might be like me, and be thinking why someone in your fantasy baseball league up and quit in the middle of January.

So what do you do? You could be honest and say you don’t give a rip and that at the moment you really need to find a 12th person for your fantasy baseball draft in three months. Or, you could look up from your phone at the steep price tag and flatly say, “No.” Or, you could heed my advice. Comes a time, a time to lie.

You could look at the dresser carefully. You could approach the dresser and scrutinize the craftsmanship, the gliding of the drawers, the stain finish. You could scratch your chin carefully and say something like, “it’s a perfect height.” Then, after casually glancing at the price and realizing it’s waaaaaaaay too expensive, you could say, “But the color just doesn’t match the end tables.” Then you find something on sale and say, “I think this could really work.”

Comes a time.

Also, here’s just another little bonus tip: pocket lint in your belly button is not sexy.

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