From the Toll Roads Class Action Administration Basement

EMPLOYEE A: So whaddya say? One more and then let’s go to lunch. I’m starving.

EMPLOYEE B: Fine by me. It’s been quite the morning.

A: You got the plate number?

B: Yeah, right here. (Reads the license plate number).

A: Got it. Ok, which highway?

B: The 133.

A: (Speaking as he types.) Our records show that you drove on the 133 Toll Road in Southern California. Month?

B: August.

A: Okay. (Types) What else we got?

B: The drone took some pictures of a stop at In-N-Out.

A (Speaking as he types.) Further, our records show that you stopped at In-N-Out. O.K. Anything else? (His tummy rumbles.)

B: Yeah, it says here that they parked crooked and took up two spots, right during the lunch rush.

A: Don’t you hate that? There’s no where to park and some jerk can’t take the time to straighten out. All right, I’ll add that. Is that it?

B: A couple more things. Looks like they ate outside and left napkins, straw wrappers, and ketchup stains all over the table.

A:(Sighs before starting his speaking while typing routine) Our records indicate that you also left behind quite the mess at your In-N-Out patio seating.

B: Quite the mess…mmmm…that doesn’t sound right. It should be more official. Remember, we get paid a percentage based on how many join the class action suit.

A: Yeah, you’re right. I’m just thinking about In-N-Out. Man. I haven’t been there in forever. Not since my wife went vegan. I could eat my hand right now.

B: Well, let’s knock this out and head over to the one over by the mall.

A: Really? I thought you only ate salads from Whole Foods.

B: We deserve this.

A: You’re damn right we do. All right, let’s focus…quite a mess…hmm…

B: How about: Our records indicate your trash disposal was less than satisfactory.

A: Brilliant! Man, I knew you were smart, Mr. Magna Cum Laude. We’re done! Let’s eat— I’m going animal style.

B: Wait. There’s one other thing the drone picked up.

A: Uff. Man I miss the days when all we had to write was that our records indicated they drove on a certain highway. But I guess the strategy is working with the last few class action suits through the roof. What do we got?

B: Ketchup stains. Our records indicate a ketchup stain on both the shirt and pants—his rear— from sitting in ketchup. It appears the shirt stain went undetected until the 241.

A: Oh geez. People are slobs. How can we write that so it sounds official? I can’t think with my stomach this empty.

B: Hmm, give me a second.

A: (Stomach growls.)

B: How about, lastly, our records indicate multiple blemishes to both front and rear attire during use of Southern California Toll Roads.

A: Gold! Pure gold! Say it again. (EMPLOYEE A types as EMPLOYEE B repeats the phrase.) Now just to add the closing. (Singing as he types)You May Be Entitled To A Payment From The Two Class Action Settlements. A federal court has authorized this Notice. This is NOT a solicitation from a lawyer. Done! Let’s eat. I’m getting a double and a shake. Cholesterol be damned.

B: Don’t forget— change the font in those last to lines to 2.5. Perfect. I’ll drive.

A: Should we take the toll road?

B: (Freezes in the doorway.)

A: You should’ve seen your face.

(Door closes.)

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