EMPLOYEE A: So whaddya say? One more and then let’s go to lunch. I’m starving.
EMPLOYEE B: Fine by me. It’s been quite the morning.
A: You got the plate number?
B: Yeah, right here. (Reads the license plate number).
A: Got it. Ok, which highway?
B: The 133.
A: (Speaking as he types.) Our records show that you drove on the 133 Toll Road in Southern California. Month?
A: Okay. (Types) What else we got?
B: The drone took some pictures of a stop at In-N-Out.
A (Speaking as he types.) Further, our records show that you stopped at In-N-Out. O.K. Anything else? (His tummy rumbles.)
B: Yeah, it says here that they parked crooked and took up two spots, right during the lunch rush.
A: Don’t you hate that? There’s no where to park and some jerk can’t take the time to straighten out. All right, I’ll add that. Is that it?
B: A couple more things. Looks like they ate outside and left napkins, straw wrappers, and ketchup stains all over the table.
A:(Sighs before starting his speaking while typing routine) Our records indicate that you also left behind quite the mess at your In-N-Out patio seating.
B: Quite the mess…mmmm…that doesn’t sound right. It should be more official. Remember, we get paid a percentage based on how many join the class action suit.
A: Yeah, you’re right. I’m just thinking about In-N-Out. Man. I haven’t been there in forever. Not since my wife went vegan. I could eat my hand right now.
B: Well, let’s knock this out and head over to the one over by the mall.
A: Really? I thought you only ate salads from Whole Foods.
B: We deserve this.
A: You’re damn right we do. All right, let’s focus…quite a mess…hmm…
B: How about: Our records indicate your trash disposal was less than satisfactory.
A: Brilliant! Man, I knew you were smart, Mr. Magna Cum Laude. We’re done! Let’s eat— I’m going animal style.
B: Wait. There’s one other thing the drone picked up.
A: Uff. Man I miss the days when all we had to write was that our records indicated they drove on a certain highway. But I guess the strategy is working with the last few class action suits through the roof. What do we got?
B: Ketchup stains. Our records indicate a ketchup stain on both the shirt and pants—his rear— from sitting in ketchup. It appears the shirt stain went undetected until the 241.
A: Oh geez. People are slobs. How can we write that so it sounds official? I can’t think with my stomach this empty.
B: Hmm, give me a second.
A: (Stomach growls.)
B: How about, lastly, our records indicate multiple blemishes to both front and rear attire during use of Southern California Toll Roads.
A: Gold! Pure gold! Say it again. (EMPLOYEE A types as EMPLOYEE B repeats the phrase.) Now just to add the closing. (Singing as he types)You May Be Entitled To A Payment From The Two Class Action Settlements. A federal court has authorized this Notice. This is NOT a solicitation from a lawyer. Done! Let’s eat. I’m getting a double and a shake. Cholesterol be damned.
B: Don’t forget— change the font in those last to lines to 2.5. Perfect. I’ll drive.
A: Should we take the toll road?
B: (Freezes in the doorway.)
A: You should’ve seen your face.