Printing Frozen 2 Coloring Pages: A Cautionary Tale

“Daddy, can you print me out a Frozen 2 coloring picture?”

“Yeah…gimme a minute.”

“Daddy! Can you print me out a Frozen 2 coloring picture? PLEASE?”

“Uhh…hold on a sec…I’m trying to get this done.”

“DADDY!! CAN YOU PLEASE PRINT ME OUT A PICTURE RIGHT NOW?”

“Look in the cabinet. We have five hundred coloring books.”

“But I want Frozen 2.”

“All right.”

“DADDY!”

“Jussa-sec…”

“MOMMY!”

“Hey! Don’t bother Mommy. She needs to rest.”

“Then can you please print me a Frozen 2 coloring picture? Then I’ll leave you alone. I promise.”

“Fine. Let me just send this email real quick…OK. Now, let me close this other window down…I’ll do that later…all right. All right. Frozen 2. Coloring pages. No problem. Daddy can do that for you. Let’s get to Google… Frozen 2… coloring pages…here we are. Which one of these do you want? There are 25,500,000 to choose from.”

“Hmm….no…no…no…scroll down. That one! I want that one. Elsa in her beautiful dress.”

“All right, let’s see. I’ll click on it. Hmm…Pinterest, I think Mommy has an account. Log in with Google account…I think it’s…password invalid….lemme try…password invalid…ugh. What about another picture? Let’s go back.”

“That one. I want that one. Elsa in her castle.”

“No problem. Kidzcolor.net. Let’s see. Open it up. Visit page. Loading…OK. Looks like we have half of her face and half of her castle.”

“I want the whole thing.”

“Maybe I can zoom out? Let me try. No that’s not it. What about if you fold it over and trace the other half?”

“No. I want all of Elsa and all of her castle.”

“Let me try landscape…no. What’s with all these ads? Close this. Your video will play in five seconds. What video? Why is this so difficult? Forget this. Let’s try a different one. I’ll go back. All right. Pick again. Still 25,499,998 to choose from.”

“That one. The one with her cape. She’s so beautiful.”

“Got it. The one with the cape. uluv2color.com. Visit page…loading. Ah, here we go. Perfect. The whole Elsa. With her dress and cape and look, the whole castle in the background.”

“Yes! That one! Perfect! I love it.”

“Perfect. How many copies?”

“Five.”

“Five. No problem. That should keep you nice and busy so Daddy can get his stuff done. I need to get these picks in before kickoff. Let’s see. Create an account?”

“El-sa! El-sa! El-sa! Fro-zen 2! Fro-zen 2! Fro-zen 2! I love you Daddy! You’re the best.”

“You bet sweetie. I love you, too. Oh…looks like I have to create a uluv2color account.”

“Da-ddy! Da-ddy! Da-ddy is the best!”

“You know it. OK. Username Daddyisthebest. Re-entering password. Done. Check. Download software? Why do I have to download software?”

“I have the best Daddy in the whole world!!!!”

“I don’t think I should have to download anything. What does Mommy do? Where does she get all the pictures you color?”

“She just prints them out. Right when I ask her. Can you PLEASE just print this? I’ll never ask for anything ever again!”

“All right, fine. Let me download this software. Should be a moment.”

“You’re the best daddy in the whole world.”

“You’re the best daughter in the whole world. Looks like the download is complete. Open this… There’s the coloring page…Now I need to enter…what? Personal information? Address? Monthly income? What the—?”

“Daddy!”

“All right all right all right…address line 1. Zip code. Cell. Birthdate. Last four digits of my social security? Why do they need that?”

“DADDY!!!”

“Whatever. It’s just the last four.”

“uluv2color.com would like to access your camera…what is going on? Why do they…”

“Hello.”

“Um…hello? Who are you?”

“I am a nameless one. I have come to know that all names are shackles. There is only one name. Bubba The Great. All other names are chains.”

“Ohhhh… kaaaay. Look I’m just trying to print out an Elsa coloring page here. Not sure about all the software or personal information…Can you help me print out the page with the flowing cape and the castle and the dress?”

“Bubba does all things. In Bubba We Trust. There is nothing that Bubba cannot do. I breathe because Bubba breathes. My heart beats because Bubba’s heart beats. Bubba is the great and all-knowing leader and he will take us to our true home. Bubbalandia. You have been selected to join us in the Great Bubba-beyond.”

“Yeah, that sounds…um, nice and all. But I just really need this coloring page for my daughter. She ducked under the desk when you came on the camera. Sweetie, come say hi to the nice man in the red robe. She’s shy. Show him your Elsa dress. She’s crazy about Elsa. See, I was just doing a little work, paying some bills, and, to be honest, I’m in this NFL pick ‘em league…”

“Silence. Bubba will free you from these chains.”

“Chains? I’m not chained to anything here. What I was saying is the first picture she wanted was on Pinterest, but I couldn’t log in. Then the second only had half of Elsa’s face. That’s when I visited your site.”

“Stare into the Great Swinging Bubba Eye and all things you need will fall away. You will lose your blindness and acquire true sight. You will see Bubba’s Way.”

“Are you saying that if I stare at this swinging flashing eye thing, then you will get me an Elsa coloring page? It has to be Frozen 2. Heaven forbid—”

“All needs are met once you share in the vision of the Great Bubba.”

“Fine. Let’s make this quick. The game kicks off in fifteen minutes.”

“Bubba is the great leader. Bubba sees and knows all. Bubba is my master.”

“Bubba is the great leader. Bubba sees and knows all. Bubba is my master.”

“Bubba is the great leader. Bubba sees and knows all. Bubba is my master.”

“Bubba is the great leader. Bubba sees and knows all. Bubba is my master.”

“You will do as I command.”

“I will do as you command.”

“Remove your clothes.”

“I am removing my clothes.”

“Daddy, why are you naked?”

“Get dressed in red. Only red. No other colors are permitted in Bubba’s kingdom. Go sit outside and wait for a red car. Bring your checkbook, your credit cards, and all your financial information. Tell no one what you are doing. Bubba despises loose lips. Say this now with firmness. I will obey.”

“I will obey.”

“Daddy! What’s going on? I’m scared. Who were you talking to?”

“Bubba is the great leader.”

“Daddy, why are you putting on Mommy’s red jacket? Where are you going? Are you going to get my Frozen 2 coloring pages?”

“Bubba The Great meets all needs.”

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